Do you ever have the thought process that no matter whom
it is or what kind of a relationship you have, they are using you for something?
Yea kind of becoming the story of my life. It doesn’t matter who it is, how
long I’ve known them, whatever, I just can’t do it, I can’t trust them. I know
where it comes from, I know how it all started and I want to change so badly
but I just can’t. Part of my problem is, is that despite the nice act I put on
about how “I’m kind of a big deal” I can’t fathom how anyone actually wants to
be friends with me. I don’t know…I just can’t do it. I mean yea, I think I’m
awesome most days. I’m funny and I’m one of those girls who is awkward and weird
and has “great personality” that I never show, to anyone. At least not that
often. But really, I'm a sarcastic asshole to just about everyone. So rarely do people see the awesome sides of me, because it’s easier to
put on this front about how amazing I am then have to deal with putting myself out
there. I’m told a lot of people feel that way, but I feel like it’s just me
most of the time. I consider myself an acquired taste, how anyone, other than
my family members, has been able to stand to be around me long enough to start
to enjoy my presence, I have no idea. So
I have this trust problem and I can’t seem to find one redeeming quality about
myself today other than my sense of humor, that seems to be in short supply
today.
The main problem I am having right now is that there is a
guy who I have known for quite some time and I’ve liked him on and off since like freshman year in high school,
and I try to most of the time stay positive about everything that goes on
between us. I like to think we are honest with each other, at least I know I’ve
never lied to him. Most of the time I try to go around and be happy that he has
told me he likes me too and that we are taking baby steps to maybe being in a relationship
one day (whether that will ever be a thing I have no idea, it’s just something
I try to use to reassure myself that I’m not setting myself up to get hurt) But
then there are days, like today, where I sit and think and question everything
that is going on and has gone on between us and I come back to the conclusion
that I have no idea if he is being honest with me because I can’t seem to find
one worthwhile quality in myself that someone could actually be attracted to,
that isn’t a physical attribute. Part of me wants to ask him and right as I am
getting the balls to do so that awesome part of my brain chimes in again saying
“It’s easy to lie over a text message” And then I’m right back at square one. I
want to trust him, I do, because I have feelings for him and when I talk to
him, not trusting him, doesn’t even begin to cross my mind, but then he always
falls asleep before me and I’m left alone with my thoughts for the rest of the
night and trust me, thoughts are killer. And then I factor in that we have only
ever told each other how we feel and been all cute and awesome with words, over
text message and part of me wants to think that with the given circumstances that’s
normal, but not my brain no! Granted we did kiss a couple of times and we
cuddled and watched a movie together, but my brain always finds ulterior
motives for everything and it is honestly driving me freaking nuts and I don’t
know what to do or anything because I’m just at a loss with him right now. I
guess it shouldn’t be my top priority right now. I have got a billion other
things to do and this one guy is 11 hours away from me right now and will
continue to be for the next 2 months but I can’t help it. Trust me, if I could
stop my brain of thinking I would.
