This Crazy Feeling

     Being in love with someone you can’t have, it’s hard. There is a guy in my life and I have never felt this way about another person before. Unfortunately, I’m pretty positive he doesn’t want to actually date me, he is cool with being friends, possibly “friends with benefits” which I game for which I know is stupid as hell considering how strong my feelings for him are but I can’t help it. I would do almost anything for this boy, especially if it means being closer to him. He knows how I feel about him and he has even said that we shouldn’t do anything but I can’t help how much I want him. Not to mention, I really don’t have a lot of will power to say no to him, especially if I think it would make him happy in any form of the word, or to put a smile on his face. I absolutely love his smile.

     The hardest part for me is that I see him a bunch because he is my best friend and every time I see him or talk to him I find something new that I fall for and think is just absolutely awesome and it just makes me smile on the inside. I always told him it was friendship, although I have no problem putting aside my feelings to just hang out with him, like that’s not a big deal in the slightest. I don’t know, it’s weird but because I feel bad talking about it to him because I know he doesn’t normally want to talk about it but I just want to let it all out so I figured what a better way to do so then on a blog. Everything is complicated about my brain so to whoever is reading this, don’t try to understand you won’t be able to, I just want to get out everything I like about him.

      I love watching him play softball, he is so cute when he gets competitive and the way he takes it so seriously is actually kind of sexy. I also kind of hate it because he gets so down on himself and I just want to give him a hug and a kiss and tell him that he is playing amazingly but I can’t do that and it kind of sucks. I love when he laughs and he always shrugs his shoulders and sticks his tongue out a little bit and then laugh pretty quietly. He is always playing with his nose, which I know he is self-conscious about but I think it is perfect just like the rest of him. When he is cheering on his team and something good happens he always says “Whoa!” and then claps his hands twice and it is super cute. I love when he gets really concentrated on something, the look on his face, I just can’t even help but smile. He refuses to look up when he is concentrated and leaves his mouth like half open and is completely focused on whatever he is doing. His lips, oh my god, his lips. When I first kissed him, I couldn’t believe how much I loved his lips, I was actually surprised at how full his lips are but I definitely was not and have never complained because when they are on my lips all I want to do is kiss him more and more. When he wraps his arms around me, I feel safe; like everything bad in the world has just disappeared and that nothing could ever hurt me again. It’s almost like an invincible feeling and I could just stay there forever. He is so comfortable to cuddle with too, and now because of him, I just want to cuddle all the time. I would love to just sit and watch movies in his arms all day, I wouldn’t even care what movies as long as I was wrapped in his arms, and I would be golden. I love it when we snapchat. He is really terrible at taking pictures because he doesn’t know how to use light, but I don’t even mind. Because I know how much he hates taking pictures, especially of himself, so the fact that he does it for me, I love it! I love getting to put my fingers through his hair, he hates having it long but I think he looks so sexy with long hair. But then again, he looks so sexy no matter how his hair is cut. I know he likes it short but he looks just as good when he cuts it, although he won’t ever agree on how sexy he is.  I also love that he makes me laugh and I can’t help but smile around him. Whenever I see him, but heart jumps into my throat and the adrenaline starts pumping through my body, especially if I see him unexpectedly. Normally if I know I am going to see him, I do pretty ok, but when we just run into each other, I can’t help but be fidgetey. He has no problem throwing jokes in my face and being an asshole to me and he doesn’t have a problem when I’m a bit of a bitch to him back and we tease each other like no other. We have a lot of stupid arguments that go nowhere and mean nothing, but they kind of mean everything to me. I guess just the fact that we have the same old conversations all the time and we still have them and don’t get bored of each other or anything like that, it means a lot to me. I like to listen to him talk about anything really. It’s really cute when goes off on sports because his eyes just light up and you can tell that he is truly passionate about it. It’s especially funny when I try to argue basketball with him and just gets so passionate about it. He compliments me and was the first guy to ever really make me want to act and be girly. He has always been completely honest with me and that means more than absolutely anything in the world to me and he actually shows that he cares; he even did so from 11 hours away which I know that entire situation wasn’t easy. He makes me feel special and I know how hard it is for him to show a soft side in general so when he does it for me, I think it’s amazing and I would never take it for granted, which I hope he knows.  He makes me feel absolutely comfortable around him like I could tell him absolutely anything and I have told him pretty much everything, even things that I have never told anyone else before in my entire life and knowing I can trust him like that, it’s kind of the best feeling ever.  He supports me in whatever I do and I wouldn’t have made it through the last couple of months without him. And there is sooo much more that makes me so attracted to him and to find him so amazing!
     So yea, I’m in love. I never want to experience my life without him and it’s a weird and complicated situation, maybe not as complicated as I think, maybe it’s just me making my own life difficult. But I know how I feel about him and how I would do pretty much anything to make him happy. I don’t expect him to feel the same, at this point, I‘m not entirely sure how he feels about me, but that’s ok. We are both young and where ever this happens to takes us, I know it’s going to work out how it’s supposed to and that’s what is important.  And if nothing else I am so happy that he is even in my life and wants to remain there even if it is just as my friend. I would rather have in my life as my best friend then not in my life at all. I don’t know, like I said, it’s a weird complicated thing but its whatever at this point, I just needed to gush about this boy a little bit.