Havre Ice Hawks High School Hockey Team

I have something to talk about and this first paragraph or so is more for clarification then anything, some people get confused sometimes. I might have mentioned before that for nine years before I went to college I played hockey for the Havre Ice Hawks High School Hockey Team. It was a co-ed team where there was only me and one or two other girls on a team full of boys. The way it worked was was there was a group of boys who were one year older then me who I started playing with and then played with every other year til I was in high school. Then there was a group of boys, who were younger then me, who i played with every year I didn't play with the older boys, once again until high school. Then there was a group of boys who were my age that I played with every year.

Last year, my senior year in high school my team got a new coach because our old coach was the father of one of the older boys who graduated so he didn't want to coach us anymore. So we got a new coach and much younger coach, he was 21 compared to our 15-18 year-old players. Needless to say we had some issues with the whole coach respect thing because he was so close to our that we only have to took him seriously. I myself thought he was drop dead sexy so it was hard to take him seriously as a coach.

Because of our team wide lack of respect for our coach it, we didn't listen. Not to mention the boys on my team have egos the size of Jupiter with little to none to back it up with, we don't have anyone who is the next Sidney Crosby or anything, we had our decent players but attitudes got in the way from us being a decent team. Needless to say, we didn't do very well, we beat the teams who sucked super hard but we could never manage to beat the teams who were even at level with us, we ended up in fifth place, which isn't bad but really its because at state we scored more against a really shit team when the sixth place team couldn't score as much against a better team. But its whatever now, at least for me.

I'm back home for Christmas break this year only to find that a bunch of players from last year have quit playing because the same coach was chosen again to coach the team this year. What really makes me upset about this is, the coach isn't the one playing the game boys, the players are. The coach can only do so much before it is up to the players to man up and do something about the scoreboard. I hate that the boys are blaming the coach for their losses, just because they aren't used to his coaching style because he likes to do things a little differently. To an extent i think it has something to do is that he takes it a little bit more seriously then what they were used to before.

This coach likes to bring in his experience playing with a Juniors team, which is probably a good idea, i enjoyed the things we did last year, it actually kind of help me get into the team a little bit more after spending at years of group of boys hating my life. But it was different so they rejected it.

I mostly needed to get this off my chest because I need people to know how stupid they are being, how stupid this entire situation is. I have been pissed at these guys for most of my life so it really isn't anything new, but for them to quit a sport they said they loved because they lost, its pathetic and disappointing. Like even though they were dickweeds, i thought maybe they had a little bit more self-respect and dignity then this.
Oh, also if you think I have just defending the coach because I am basically in love with him, you are definitely mistaken. This coach could be but ass ugly and I would still be appalled by the way my former teammates are acting. Because I know a lot of them are dicks, but I hoped maybe they would be better people then that, i guess I was wrong.

Roommates

So I have touched base in an earlier post about my awesome roommate, Ashley, but I wanted to talk a little bit more about college roommates.

The way my dorm is set up is that instead of having community bathrooms you have what are called suites. You walk into our common area and there are about eight doors around the room. If you step into one of those doors you will be lead to a bath room which has four other doors to go into. One door will lead to the shower, another to the toilet and the last to each lead to a separate dorm. So four people share one bathroom, which trust me, it’s actually pretty awesome. I was a little iffy about it at first but after experiencing it and hearing a bunch of others complain about community bathrooms I feel like as a freshman, I have it pretty good.

In my dorm there is me and Ashley and then next door is Britney and Xiaowei, she is an international student from China. Between the four of us it has been an interesting experience. I and Ashley get along great, I like think that we are pretty good friends and both of us are so laid back and chill that it is really easy for us to get along. Then there is Britney and Xiaowei who don’t exactly see eye-to-eye. The two of them don’t communicate and unfortunately Britney has to leave our suite because she can’t seem to stand Xiaowei. Now me and Ashley are being drove a little nuts by Xiaowei. She doesn’t seem to have any sort of basic social hygiene. I’m not saying she doesn’t shower or anything, it’s just she doesn’t clean up after herself, it mostly pertains to the bathroom, I never really go into her room so I don’t know about that, but that doesn’t really concern me. The biggest problem is that we don’t know how to talk to her about the problem. Neither Ashley nor I feel like even if we did talk to her, it would do anything. We don’t think she would quite understand what we are saying; there is just a big language/communication barrier between us that sucks, hardcore.

It’s been a semi-unsanitary semester but it’s almost over, and we have a plan that might get rid of her, maybe…Ashley and I are just hoping that Xiaowei doesn’t have her other Asian friend move into Britney’s empty space…here’s hoping. Our best bet is that we are going to talk to our RA and hope that helps out a little bit. But we’ll see.

Switching away from Xiaowei, I want to talk about my roommate, Ashley. So basically I and Ashley are basically polar opposites except for the fact that we are super laidback. She is very much a girly girl, athletic, she loves pink and is fairly academic and randomly all over the place all the time along with being pretty into God. Me on the other hand, well I am an atheist girl who has way too much testosterone in her system for her own good who hates pink and would rather sit back and chill with my laptop then go out and party on a Saturday night. Granted we do have some things in common, like I said we are both really laid back and we love hockey (for different reason, but we both love it). We both come from different kinds of family and different backgrounds, but we get along super well.

I guess I would just say to everyone, if you have roommate/suitemate issues, keep the communication line open, Ashley and I didn’t and now we are paying for it so…yea. This may not be my best blog, I don’t really feel it had a point but I’m gonna post it anyway. Have a great weekend and Merry Christmas=D

-Crysta

Someone Shouldn't Have To Die For People To Take Notice

Ok, SO I was originally going to write a blog on my roommate…instead that one will come later and now there is this one. I want to start by linking the following video.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TdkNn3Ei-Lg

Next I want to say that I have NOTHING against Jonah Mowry, I applaud him for his courage and I am in no way attacking him or anything.

Here is where my problem starts and the basis of this problem is that a 13 year-old boy shouldn’t have to make this kind of video to make people pay attention to his problems. I have seen it a bunch in the past couple of years, no one will take note of someone and their problem until after something tragic has happened to them.

For example, in May of this year a young girl from my area in MT committed suicide because she had been bullied, and apparently her life sucked (not to be insensitive, just a statement). But then about a month after, some of her friends started a thing, I’m not entirely sure if you could call it a charity or what, but they sold bracelets, made t-shirts had a walk around town in recognition of the organization, the called it Hope4Hailey.

I have nothing against organizations like this, kudos to people for standing up to the issues around them…however, we shouldn’t wait till after someone kills themselves to stand up to the issues around us. Or till after something bad happens to one of their friends or someone close to them. People should want to stand up right now for someone who is being bullied in front of them.

Speaking as someone who has not only been a bully at times but as also been bullied, I know how difficult it is too be a bullied. I know that sounds weird, but I was bullied and ended up becoming a bully to some people at times, I think it was my own little way of getting revenge I think. I hope that I never hurt somebody enough to where they took extreme measures, as far as I know everyone I picked on is still alive and well.

But I was bullied to the point of taking extreme measures. I had a lot of things going on in my life and tried to commit suicide when I was in the sixth and seventh grade. I, like Jonah, pulled myself up and saved myself and my life got better. I can’t help but notice that nobody took notice that I was being bullied, and nobody ever will. Not even the adults around me took notice because that is how the world works. The only way somebody would have taken notice of my problems was if I would have actually taken my suicide attempt seriously, that seems to be one of the few times people pay attention.

So I guess the sum of this blog, without continuing to ramble on, is that we should take notice before extreme measures are taken. A 13 year-old boy shouldn’t have to make a YouTube video to make his friends and family notice there was something wrong. A freshman in high school should have to kill herself to escape her life. Somebody shouldn’t have to be killed in a drunken driving accident for people to take a little bit of notice about the cause. We as people should notice now all the problems that people have before something bad happens to someone we love to take notice.

Procrastination will be the death of me

Yea, that’s right; I'm procrastinating, story of my life. Anyway I know I haven't posted in almost a week, but my life has been pretty busy lately so now that I 'have the time' I figured I should post something. Another reason I didn't post this week was because I had no idea what to post about. Now I had a small idea that is going to change up the blog a little bit, today I am going to write about Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince. Yep that's right, I'm a Harry Potter nerd, Big Time and I am currently sitting in my dorm room watching the Harry Potter Weekend Marathon on ABC family, part of the 25 days of Christmas and I have come to the conclusion that this is my least favorite movie out of the entire series.

It’s extremely disappointing compared to the others movies, not to say it isn't good. I honestly just think they left out so much, like obviously they made it make sense so congratulations for that.

One of the biggest things that really make me angry is Dumbledore. I can't get on the actor for this because I think Michael Gambon is a fantastic actor. But the writers I think just really fucked over his character, in a HUGE way (I think the writers did this to a few different characters, but we will get to that in a minute). But any way, I think they tried to make Dumbledore someone else. i can't really explain how but I honestly just never saw the character of Dumbledore in HP6. I think part of it is that they just made him to all knowing and yes to an extent Dumbledore knows a shit ton, but I feel with just how much he knew in the movie it made him seem a little cocky and arrogant and I just didn’t see Dumbledore like that in the books.

Another character I think the writer’s really fucked over was Ginny Weasley, granted I don’t think Bonnie Wright is too fantastic of an actress, but I think if the writers had done a better job writing for Ginny it would have upped Bonnie’s performance. In the books Ginny is supposed to be this fiery redhead who can take care of herself and isn’t afraid to say what she thinks. In the movie she is an annoying character who ties Harry’s shoelace (by the way, one of my top least favorite scenes in the film). I just find her to be so passive and obnoxious in the film that it completely drives me nuts. Bonnie Wright’s portrayal of her doesn’t make the character any more likeable either. I find that she is very bland and doesn’t really bring anything to the table as far as the character goes and she may have been alright for the shy character that was originally Ginny but she hasn’t really grown into what Ginny should be.

As far as what was left out of HP6, well other than the whole characterizations that were left out, I also find that I hate the scenes having to deal with the memories revolving around Voldemort. Honestly the memories they did have were decent at best, but I was all around unimpressed. Then the ones they didn’t add pissed me off even more. Obviously if J.K. Rowling added these memories into the book it also should be add into the movie. All the meetings with Dumbledore in general make me an angry bear.

Honestly I guess there are other nit-picky things that I find as a Harry Potter nerd that make me angry from the movies but to be honest, I really enjoy all the movies. I understand that sometimes you do have to leave things out, although I do get confused when they leave things out and then add something else, but whatever. So I guess those are the main things that really make me angry while watching the movie. So thanks for helping me procrastinate I hope you all have a fantasbulous day

-Crysta

Home Sweet Home

I feel like it has been a long time since I posted last, its been right around a week since I did and I now feel ready to post about my week long trip to Montana.
I have to start with how grateful I was to be able to go home and see my family and friends. It wasn't nearly as long as I wanted it to be, but on the plus side I have like two weeks of actual class then two finals before I get to go home again.
I don't know if you have ever been on a train ride, but if you have you know that it is definitely an experience. The ride home was neither bad nor good. i enjoyed having my own seat the entire way, but i felt that the people working on the train lacked hospitality. However despite getting me home 2 hours late, I still got there.
Right off the train I got to see my sister, Katie and my Mom before Leanne had to hand the baby off so I could give her a hug before i finally got to meet my beautiful niece. She was five weeks and one day old when I met and is the most adorable baby, like ever! Before going home i got to indulge in a Rod's Pop (these are a hometown favorite from a locally owned burger joint). Then mom made her amazing homemade pizza...Delicious. It was a fantastic night, i just got to spend it hanging out with my family and then my best friend showed up and me and her went and got coffee just to catch up.
Wednesday passed in complete normalcy. I got to hang with friends and the family and my mom made dinner again, if you knew my mom you'd be impressed by this. Then on Thursday it was a little bit of a downer because my mom had to go back to work on her 2-10 shifts so unfortunately she had to miss Thanksgiving dinner, which I'm not gonna lie...it sucked. But My sisters, My niece and I all went over to our cousin's house and had dinner with my cousin's family and our aunt and uncle. It was really nice just to be around my family, i definitely needed that. I had honestly forgot (or maybe I never really knew) how funny my usually annoying cousin is. It was nice not to have to worry about anything for a little bit and just to get to hang. Not to mention i got to finish out Thanksgiving by watching both the Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows movies with my oldest sister and niece.
Friday was a different sort of day. I finally got some more hometown food that I had been craving but more then that I also had dinner with my dad, which was something new for me in itself. I had never seen my dad so relaxed except when he was around his friends. Turns out my dad and step-mom are getting a divorce. It was kind of a shock but I'm not gonna lie, I'm not upset about this. I'm actually kind of happy. Which i know that sounds completely awful but long story short, i don't know if this will change how i feel about my dad at all, but maybe it will help me get to know him a little bit more. But you never know I guess...it will be interesting to see how this develops. In other news from my dinner with dad, i got put on blast by my two big sisters...thanks for that one guys. Considering how much i could put them on blast....ooh fuck them.
Basically they put on blast about my lunch plans for the next day. I had plans with two friends of mine, one being a guy who i have feelings for...for lack of a better term, I have a crush on him(although i hate that word SO much). Any-who now my dad knows all about that now, which whatever, he doesn't live in the same town as me so whatever.
In other news, my lunch with my two friends was GREAT! Talking with the two people I was with was great, I forgot how much he makes me laugh and smile and she is the biggest sweetheart in the world so it was so much fun catching up with her. I won't name names so we will leave it at that. Saturday night was great too because it was my last night in town and I got to spend it with my two best friends and we just stayed up all night playing Call of Duty. Unfortunately, when I do play COD with my friends, it get s a little annoying because I get really into the game and they don't but story of my life.
All in all, it was a great week. Leaving Sunday kind of sucked but I'll be back soon, that's what I have to keep telling myself. I am so thankful that I got to go home and see my family and friends and just to spend time with them. That time is probably what is going to get me through the rest of this semester. You don't realize how hard it truly is to not have your family until they aren't around anymore and it has really opened my eyes to the fact that I really do have this amazing family who I love and support as much as possible. I know that every time I leave them to go back to college is not going to get any easier but I know that the support they give me will make everything in my life that much easier.

Last Saturday Night?

Not gonna lie, my title...a little misleading because my entire weekend was absolutely fantastic! It was a great way to end last week and start this week, probably one of the best weekends I have had by far.

Friday wasn't necessarily what most people would call a fantastic night, but it mostly just add to the awesome that was my weekend, mostly because it didn't suck the big one, you know? It started with the Fighting Sioux Women's Hockey team kicking some ass vs. Mankato which was great. The a bunch of people from my dorm all came up to our common area and we just had sober fun. I ended up playing a really awesome game of apples to apples, which if you have never played i suggest you check it out and have a blast. it doesn't really matter how old you are, apples to apples is fun for pretty much everyone, as long as your playing it with the right people.

But it was super fun, there was no drinking and it was over by like 1:30 but we had a good time and that's what really matters. Plus I got the new Harry Potter movie finally...I LOVE HIM SO MUCH!!! It just makes me happy and sad and angry and so many different emotions at one time...its fantastic!!!!!

Then comes Saturday, the real reason for my fantastic weekend. So the actual day wasn't overly eventful i just kind of chilled out, I talked to my family a little bit and got to leave campus for a little bit which was awesome, then I headed to the hockey games.

The Fighting Sioux Women's Hockey team once again beat Mankato which was great and it was a great to watch. If you are ever in Grand Forks during hockey season, do your best to get to either the men or women's hockey games, there fucking awesome. But anyway, i was walking back to my dorm, because it was fuckin freezing and I needed to get a bigger jacket before I head over to the theatre(we'll get to that in a minute). When this random guy walking next to me comments about the weather and we started talking and then the dialogue goes like this.

Me: I'm fuckin freezing.

Random: It's not that bad.

Me: Yea, that's because you have a better jacket on then me.

Random: Do you want it?

AAAAAAAHHHHHH, it may not be much but it pretty much made my night. The fact that some random guy offered me is jacket...FANTASTIC!!!! I didn't take it because I didn't want him to be cold, although he assured me he wouldn't be, but i would have felt bad. But it was great, we had a great conversation and both told each other we would see each other later BUT...I didn't get his name!!! I was a little disappointed him myself, but life goes on right? I do however know which dorm he lives in and it just was great!!!!!

The downer of my night was that I did have to go help strike the set for Assassins, which means that i had to help take ti all down and put everything back in its place because we had to prepare for the one-act festival that is taking place on Monday. so that was kind of sucky. But then one of the guys I know in the Theatre department, made me go to the cast party.

Oh cast parties, i can't tell you much because what happens at a cast party stays at a cast party, for the most part. It would definitely be frowned upon if i posted everything all over the Internet. Basically it just reminded me of why i am in love with the theatre. Performing and all that is great and i love it to death, but the people are truly amazing. I wasn't a part of the cast and I guess you could say I was part of the crew, but my job is separated from them. I didn't work with them day in and day out on the show, hell i barely knew all of their names but i never felt left out. I never felt like an outsider looking in and I think that is one of the great things of the Theater. It doesn't matter where you are from or who you are, there is more then likely a spot for you and everyone will welcome you with open arms. I think that is such a rare quality in some places so it is always nice when its there and it just makes you feel that much more at home.

So all in all, my weekend was a huge success, and I can't wait for Tuesday because then I am home sweet home. Hence i might not blog too much this week, if nothing else, I won't have Internet so there will probably be just one huge post next Monday. So there will be exactly a week between posts, maybe.

I hope everyone had a fantastic weekend and is going to have a great week. If you get to see your family for Thanksgiving, take advantage of that, no matter how old you are, you'll miss that one day, so enjoy them while they are around. Stay safe if your traveling=D

-Crysta

Assassins

If you have read my about me, or even the title you should know that I am an actress and am currently going to school to study Theatre at UND. This week UND put on a musical called Assassins by Stephen Sondheim and John Wideman, and not only did I want to go see it, I had for two of my classes. Now that I have seen it, I get to write two papers on it that are due on Monday, congratulations to me right? But, I also wanted to share my review of the play for you guys. Not to mention, it is definitely going to add a lighter note to my blog, so here we go.

On November 17, 2011 I went and saw the musical Assassins as shown in Burtness Theatre by the University of North Dakota’s Theatre Department. I honestly thought the show was amazing. The entire feel of the show together really, it just felt right, it’s hard to explain, but it was great.

The acting was fantastic, everyone was very well cast. I did really like Hyrum Patterson’s character; he seemed too really get into which was nice to see. As well as Tyler Rood and Abby Schoenborn, I thought it was great how both their characters seemed crazy (well, it was most noticeable in these characters) but they didn’t hesitate about it. They just went for whatever the character called for which I thought was spectacular. Daniel Dutot was cast perfectly as John Wilkes Booth; I seriously could see the resemblance, which although creepy, was really effective and awesome. Chris Hunt, Brian Dempcy and Casey Paradies all did a great job really showing their characters as well, I kind of felt empathy for these assassins. Rachel Perry is where I find my one off actor. Although I think she is a fantastic actress and she too really went for the character, I really was bothered by her singing. She does have a great voice, but her facial and vocal expression never seemed to match what was going on around her. It really just through off the character and made it a little less believable, but none the less, she did get into her character really well.

I thoroughly enjoyed Philip Muehe in his portrayal of the Balladeer. I’m not entirely sure what it was about him, just his voice and the way he performed the Ballads of Booth, Czolyosz and Guiteau was just fantastic and really enjoyable to watch. I also really enjoyed him switching roles to become Lee Harvey Oswald. I really enjoyed his overall performance.

The ensemble and Proprietor all did great jobs as well. The ensemble helped add a little more humor to the show which I thought was really enjoyable so it was nice to have them involved as well.

I thought the set was awesome, it was so simple but yet so effective. I really liked how it had a bunch of different levels for the actors to be on. Occasionally I did find, especially when the assassins were all lined up next to each other, it seemed a little awkward when they were all trying to step the same but they were all on different levels so it seemed a little awkward, but I still found it really effective.

I really loved the music that was written for the show by Sondheim. I have to say that the Ballads of Booth and Guiteau were probably my favorite songs, I really enjoy Philip’s voice and I just think that’s both those songs were really well written and just fantastically played and danced by Philip, Daniel and Tyler performed those songs so well. I was thoroughly impressed.

I did think that Unworthy of Your Love was an excellently written song, but like I said earlier, I was unimpressed with Rachel Perry’s ability to sing and act at the same time. Another National Anthem was another great song! I thought that all the assassins, Balladeer and Proprietor performed the song great and I though just the entire feel of the song came across right.

The costumes and make-up really made the characters. It added an entirely new feel to every character and it all really completed each character. I loved all every piece of costuming seemed to fit the character great and the actors really seemed to own what they were wearing. I especially liked Hyrum’s Santa costume; I thought it really added a lot to the character of Sam Byck. The entire costuming of the show was well done.

The lighting was really effective as whole for the entire show. I really enjoyed how the lighting set the mood. Although I did find that occasionally I did find that what seemed like the spotlights were a little off and you could see them being adjusted which was a little distracting at times, but for the most part it was too noticeable, I only really saw it in a couple of spots. Other than that the lighting plot was really effective at setting the atmosphere for most of the songs. I really enjoyed the way that when the assassins were all lined up at the end, how the light was on all their faces from the lights at the front. I thought that was really cool and it added kind of a creepy sense to it all. I especially enjoyed Tyler Rood’s facial expressions, oh my god, those were absolutely fantastic!

The overall musical was extremely well put together. Everything seemed to set this sort of atmosphere that really makes you think about these characters and not only their impact on their own world, but their impact on the world of today as well. The University of North Dakota’s production of Assassins was absolutely fantastic.

I want everyone to note that I originally wrote this post as my paper for my Intro to Theatre class. I hope you guys enjoy my review and once again, have a fantastic day!

-Crysta

Damn-It Another Downer Post

Yea, as the title says, unfortunately I feel the need to talk about another downer in my life. This one however is much more recent. As in this happened last night. I need you all to do me a favor as well...read the entire story before you going judging me. I can almost guarantee that if you only read half of this your gonna think I'm a spoiled bitch, there is much more to it then that.

Like a lot of girls, I have 'daddy issues,' mine stem from my parents divorce when I was five and then they just got worse and worse as I got older. However last night I came to an awful conclusion of where a lot of my issues come from. So here is the story.

Last night I got an email from my dad with my ticket reservation for the train ride home for Christmas break with a message from my dad reading as follows

'Merry Christmas. Here is your Ticket to come home during the holidays.

How is school going? We received the first snow of the year in Helena yesterday.

Things are going good here. I went hunting with Jay this last weekend.

He came to Helena and we hunted around here.

You need to mark on your calendar to call Granddad on 23 Nov 11. It's his B-day.

Take care study hard.

Love you Dad'

Now I didn't ask him to do this for me and I was all for buying my own tickets home for the semester break, but he did...as my Christmas present. I honestly didn't even get through the first line of text before I broke down and started crying. After really thinking about what why I was really crying I came to this line of thought and conclusion.

When I talk to my mom about coming home for Christmas and the awesome presents I am getting her, she always says to me "You being home is my Christmas present." When I talk to my dad about me coming home for Christmas he makes me feel like me being home is my Christmas present, that is pretty much what he is telling me, even if that isn't what he is trying to say.

I know my dad means well but he has seriously made me feel so unwanted my entire life. As if everything he has ever done for me has been a god given gift or something. It upsets me so much to have this kind of father, because the worst part is, is that he doesn't even know what he is doing wrong and he definitely isn't the kind of guy you can talk to about these kind of things because he just makes me feel like an ungrateful bitch and that's not the case.

I always feel like I'm never gonna be good enough to really make him proud of me and I feel like all the 'fatherly' things he does for me are out of obligation rather then actually wanting to do them and that kills me inside. I feel like no matter how much more I do then her, I will never measure up to LeAnne in his eyes. Everyone in the family knows she is the favorite and that's OK, but I wish he would realize that I have worked/competed with my two sisters my entire life for his approval and no matter what I feel like I'll never be good enough to get it because I'll never be LeAnne. I can't be LeAnne, it's just never gonna happen.

It, to an extent, destroys me inside to even think about it like this. But you can't help how you feel. I don't want anyone to get the wrong impression, I love LeAnne, she is one of my best friends, i may be a little resentful of her but I really do love her. Its my dad that I'm really upset with and the worst part of it all is that he doesn't even know how he makes me feel and he probably never will.

Well, that's all for today. Hopefully I can come back tomorrow with a much more pleasant topic for you all to enjoy. Until then, have a fantastic day!

-Crysta

Depression? Homesick? Hmmm.....

Today I am going to back-track a little bit. It is definitely going to be a much less cheery tale then what was yesterday. I am going to go back to about a month ago. For about two weeks in October when my life seemed to suck the big one. It all started with a series of unfortunate events that almost lead to my undoing.

Since I was in about sixth grade I have been fighting my own inner demons. I told you last time that I have social anxiety and that coupled with unofficial depression. I know I really shouldn’t be self-diagnosing myself with depression, but I know it’s there, it runs in the family and I have been fighting it off for a while now. Being homesick didn’t help my state of mind.

But I am getting off track…

Like I said, I have been fighting my inner demons since sixth grade. As much as people may or may not have noticed I silently went crazy in middle school, I was pretty good at hiding it from my family because they were all too busy with their own problems. As for hiding it from my friends, I guess I was never around them long enough for them to notice.

But I let it get to me, everything. So much was going on in my life that I felt helpless, I felt lost and alone but I am a stronger person because of it. I took so measures to protect myself then I fought my way back to a better place, where I had been before everything started sucking in my life. For a long time I was OK. No one knew the struggle I had went through and I kept it that way for a long time. It wasn’t until my junior and senior years in high school that I started to become more and more open about middle school.

College changed everything. For the first month and a halfish, I did really well at staying open. Then I feel like things went to hell for my mental state. While most people had went home once or twice since the start of school, I was still stuck in Grand Forks, stuck on campus, stuck in the dorms. My niece had been born and the most I got was a bunch of pictures and a Skype and to top it all off I was facing feelings I had never really felt before.

My feelings were probably the weirdest thing I faced, and the thing that really drove me crazy. I am in an Acting One class with a bunch of hockey players and one of them played for the Fighting Sioux Men’s Team, which needless to say, I thought was really cool. The part that really drove me nuts was I couldn’t stop thinking about. He wouldn’t leave my fuckin brain and it drove me nuts. I couldn’t help but overthink and freak out about everything. The weirdest part, I had never really talked to him, like maybe once or twice, but nothing overly awesome to make me have a ‘crush’ on him or anything. In the end, as bad as it may sound I think I liked the idea of him more than anything. Because as soon as I even thought he had a girlfriend, it didn’t even faze me. It made it 10Xs easier to forget about him and I moved on.

But for about three weeks, it drove me nuts. But let me tell you, after three weeks of freaking out and getting myself ready for it, when I finally spoke to him…I felt like GOD!!! You can laugh all you want, because I said exactly six words to him, but that was enough for me to ride a giddy high for about a week. I think was the best out of all of it was, I was super proud of myself that despite of almost having a heart attack I kind of faced my fears that day…that was when things started to look up.

Before then, that was a different story.

Since I had been battling my inner-demons for a long time, I had found a weird sort of support through my family and friends, through my entire surroundings, that’s pretty natural though. Being away was the hardest thing I have ever done. Through the years, I had become so dependent on the people and things around me, that it was terrifying to go out on my own without that support system.

I did really well for the first month and a half but I finally crashed. But I refused to let anyone around me see that I was falling fast. I started to block off everything I could. I was afraid that if I became too close with anyone in NoDak (North Dakota), that they would hurt me just like I had been hurt before. I was afraid that any sort of rejection I would go crazy again, that I would be like I was in seventh grade. I refuse to go back there. Blocking everyone off made me feel even more isolated and depressed and it was part of the reason it took me three weeks to talk to the guy mentioned above. I was terrified that if he rejected me in any way, shape or form, I would be done. I couldn’t do that, I promised myself a long time ago I wouldn’t go back to where I was.

I don’t know how I pulled myself back again, but I did. I think what really helped is finding a bit of a support system here in NoDak. It really helped when I found people who seem to actually care.

I have to back track to my family and friends in Montana. We aren’t the touchy feely kind of people. I mean we can tell each other shit, but we don’t really share our feelings a lot. It’s not a bad thing, I treasure every one of my friends and family, but, it was nice to find friends who kind of are a little more…girly.

It really helped when one of the girls I met here, Nicole, reassured me that I’m not like Parker (he is pretty the person who drives everyone nuts and invites himself along places he isn’t really wanted). I was really afraid of being like him, but she assured me that I am not and then so did one of the guys we hang out with, Andy. Both Andy and Nicole told me they were glad that I had come out with the group and then assured me that I was nothing close to Parker. I then told them that I have social anxiety, this was something new for me. I’m not really a ‘talker’ much more of a listener, but now I felt like I could trust them, that they wouldn’t judge me because of me not being really social, it was probably one of the best things that has happened to me since I got to UND.

So I’ll leave you with what I learned from my most recent ‘cycle’ of depression. No matter what is going on, you are never as alone as you feel. I never really thought Nicole and Andy would be the ones I really trusted first, but they were. Comfort can be found in the most interesting places and in the most interesting ways. And remember, you’re stronger then you think, I promise.

-Crysta

P.S. About the guy I was talking about earlier, I was mistaken…I am attracted to him, for whatever reason I definitely am.