Damn-It Another Downer Post

Yea, as the title says, unfortunately I feel the need to talk about another downer in my life. This one however is much more recent. As in this happened last night. I need you all to do me a favor as well...read the entire story before you going judging me. I can almost guarantee that if you only read half of this your gonna think I'm a spoiled bitch, there is much more to it then that.

Like a lot of girls, I have 'daddy issues,' mine stem from my parents divorce when I was five and then they just got worse and worse as I got older. However last night I came to an awful conclusion of where a lot of my issues come from. So here is the story.

Last night I got an email from my dad with my ticket reservation for the train ride home for Christmas break with a message from my dad reading as follows

'Merry Christmas. Here is your Ticket to come home during the holidays.

How is school going? We received the first snow of the year in Helena yesterday.

Things are going good here. I went hunting with Jay this last weekend.

He came to Helena and we hunted around here.

You need to mark on your calendar to call Granddad on 23 Nov 11. It's his B-day.

Take care study hard.

Love you Dad'

Now I didn't ask him to do this for me and I was all for buying my own tickets home for the semester break, but he did...as my Christmas present. I honestly didn't even get through the first line of text before I broke down and started crying. After really thinking about what why I was really crying I came to this line of thought and conclusion.

When I talk to my mom about coming home for Christmas and the awesome presents I am getting her, she always says to me "You being home is my Christmas present." When I talk to my dad about me coming home for Christmas he makes me feel like me being home is my Christmas present, that is pretty much what he is telling me, even if that isn't what he is trying to say.

I know my dad means well but he has seriously made me feel so unwanted my entire life. As if everything he has ever done for me has been a god given gift or something. It upsets me so much to have this kind of father, because the worst part is, is that he doesn't even know what he is doing wrong and he definitely isn't the kind of guy you can talk to about these kind of things because he just makes me feel like an ungrateful bitch and that's not the case.

I always feel like I'm never gonna be good enough to really make him proud of me and I feel like all the 'fatherly' things he does for me are out of obligation rather then actually wanting to do them and that kills me inside. I feel like no matter how much more I do then her, I will never measure up to LeAnne in his eyes. Everyone in the family knows she is the favorite and that's OK, but I wish he would realize that I have worked/competed with my two sisters my entire life for his approval and no matter what I feel like I'll never be good enough to get it because I'll never be LeAnne. I can't be LeAnne, it's just never gonna happen.

It, to an extent, destroys me inside to even think about it like this. But you can't help how you feel. I don't want anyone to get the wrong impression, I love LeAnne, she is one of my best friends, i may be a little resentful of her but I really do love her. Its my dad that I'm really upset with and the worst part of it all is that he doesn't even know how he makes me feel and he probably never will.

Well, that's all for today. Hopefully I can come back tomorrow with a much more pleasant topic for you all to enjoy. Until then, have a fantastic day!

-Crysta