The last blog I wrote entitled, “The Worst Feeling” had some
unforeseen repercussions, so this may not be the best way to do all of this, but its the only way I know how. The man, I was writing about in that blog has now
officially unfriended and blocked me on Facebook and told me that he can’t
forgive what I said about him. Good news though, I didn’t think I was going to
survive if he decided to walk out of my life, but so far, I’m ok, not thriving
or anything, but I’m alive. But because of this happening, I want to clarify a few
things. I doubt he will ever read this, although, I doubted he would read the
last one and obviously he did. Anyway some of the things he said really got to
me because I think he pretty much misunderstood the entire blog and the entire
reason I wrote it, so now that I’m no longer a crying mess, I want to try and
explain/clarify everything since he won’t even text me anymore, this is the
best I’ve got. I want to clarify, I'm not apologizing for what I said, but I am apologizing for hurting someone I really care about.
First off, I said the girl he likes “isn’t even pretty.”
First off, he could be madly in love with my best friend in the entire world or
like the prettiest girl in the world and I still wouldn’t think she is pretty
because I like to be a petty girl sometimes and I’m jealous. Yep, I’ll admit
it, I’m jealous because she has the love of a man that I love, why wouldn’t I be
jealous. So I don’t know her personally just a hunch on who she is. It was
never anything personal, but I’m never going to like this girl because she has
the one man that I have ever been in love with. Of course I’m not going to like
her. However, he told me that I “crossed
a line” by talking about her. I get he is mad about what I said, but I probably
could have come up with a lot worse to say had I wanted to be an ever bigger
bitch. I understand him being mad at me, but I don’t really think I crossed a
line by what I said.
Next, he thought I was trying to make him the bad guy. That
was never my intention; it is just a shitty situation. We fell in love at the
wrong time and his feelings changed sooner then mine did. It happens, that
doesn’t make him a bad guy that is just life. His feelings for me changed and
mine haven’t yet. My feelings weren’t ready to change. Even after him breaking
the one promise I held him to, I still don’t think my feelings are ready to completely change, although they have changed a bit. It’s no one’s fault though, it is just how the situation worked out.
I did my best to put my feelings aside because I knew his feelings had changed,
but I’m not a robot, I can’t just turn something like that on and off so a lot
of the time, I struggled with letting go of how I feel about him. Despite that
I still wanted to be his friend and I know he knew that my feelings hadn’t
changed, but I never wanted him to feel bad for it, so instead of telling him,
I wrote about it and posted some of this blog (like the last 2) and then I kept a lot hidden away just for me. He told me, that he always tried to make this
all easier on me, which I knew he did. However, there was nothing he could have
done to make it easier on me. I mean at the end of the day I probably shouldn’t
have been so okay with us talking about sex as much as we did but that was kind
of my way of hanging on. I wasn’t ready to let go of my feelings regardless of
how I knew he felt about me. That still doesn’t make him the bad guy, I did
absolutely everything I could to make sure he wasn’t the bad guy. I said that I
wanted to hate him, the reason behind that was that if I could hate him, and
then I would actually have been able to be completely get over my love for him.
But I couldn’t hate him because I couldn’t find a way to make him the bad guy in the
situation, I couldn’t so I couldn’t hate him. I wanted to cause I thought it
would make easier, but even now, I still don’t hate him. And I don't think I
will ever be able to hate him, or stay mad at him. I am however extremely hurt
and upset with him, but that doesn't make him a bad guy.
I know that’s not all he said to me, but I’m trying not to
remember all of it frankly because it hurts a lot. So I deleted the text
messages, least most of them, the ones that are left are a lot harder to delete
then the ones that are already gone. As much as I don’t want to, I know that I
have to do it this time, I have to move on. It’s been really hard but I’m
working on it. I have been talking to my friends and family a lot, it’s been
helping but it doesn’t make it any easier. I guess, if the friendship had to
end, and maybe it does I don’t know, I wish that we could talk about it,
face-to-face, like the adults we are and at least end on good terms and maybe
be friends on Facebook at the least. That is what I hate the most that he
decided to end 6 years of friendship so easily. That’s what hurts the most too,
I just wish I could explain this all to him, but he won’t have anything to do
with me now. Even now, my feelings haven’t entirely changed letting him go is
hard, I think a part of me is always going to love him, because he was my first
love. But I guess if he doesn’t even want to be my friend anymore, that’s what
has to happen. As much as it hurts me, I have to let him go. I just wish he
would talk to me and let me fully explain everything because even if he is reading this I don't think it does what I want to say any sort of justice. I guess it’s all about
the babysteps of moving on now.
Note: To this guy, if he ever decides to read this and you decide to never speak to me again here is what I've got. I hope you know that I am forever changed by who you are and what you mean to me. I am really happy that you were in my life even if it was for a short time and I am hoping that you will choose to speak to me again, if nothing else so I can explain and we can have closure for each other. Above all, I hope you're happy. I hope you get everything you've ever wanted and I really hope you know how amazing you are to me and even if you never agree, you truly are amazing. I never meant to hurt you, that was never my intention at all, I would never dream of doing that and I'm sorry that I did. I know this little thing was repetitive, but it's all of got left I hope you'll talk to me and I'll be frank, I already miss your friendship.
