The Worst Feeling

DISCLAIMER: I am currently a crying mess alone in my room so this is just a bunch of jumbled thoughts about the first boy I ever fell in love with. Boy was I stupid.

I’ve always been the strong girl, always. It’s the only thing I knew how to be, and it was pretty easy just to shove away all the emotions and tell the world to fuck off. But now, now I don’t know what to do. Because I was always the strong girl no one ever bothered to love me, or care about me or anything like that. And it was ok, because I didn’t want all the feelings and bullshit. But somebody did, he cared and he told me he loved me and I fell for head over heels in love with him. I guess I shouldn’t have listened to myself. I should have known better, I should have known he wouldn’t stay in my life as my love. Because he doesn’t want that anymore. I don’t know, we talked tonight and it just felt so final like I was never going to hear from him again or something and I don’t know what to do. I hate him for breaking my heart, but I’d be lying if I said him walking out of my life was something I could handle, cause I couldn’t. Because I have been so strong for so long I feel so pathetic for all these feelings. For sitting alone in my room, crying my eyes for the 4^th night in a row because it just hurts. I guess I knew deep down that after June we weren’t going to happen, but there was always a glimmer of hope. Now I think that is gone and I can’t, I can’t, I just can’t really let myself believe that that hope is gone. If this is what love is, the fuck it, I don’t want it. I don’t ever want to feel like this ever again because it is the worst feeling in the world. If I have to go through this multiple times before I find ‘the right guy’ then I should start preparing to be alone because I don’t want this ever again. I just don’t understand. The girl he wants isn’t even pretty and it almost would be easier if she was because then at least I could understand why he choose her even though he knows a relationship won’t happen. But she isn’t so I can’t fathom in my brain what I did wrong to make him not want me anymore. When you give someone everything you’ve got and it isn’t enough it leaves you feeling worthless. This entire year has been my best not being good enough and I just don’t understand. I read this a while ago, I guess I get it now about how heartbreak doesn’t care you are, and it doesn’t make sense. It just takes one person to change their mind for your world to come crashing down and that’s what happened. He changed his mind and doesn’t want me anymore and I don’t know what to do about it. I want to hate him for this, but I can’t because even know as I lay in bed bawling my eyes out I still want to text him and tell him to come hold me and let him run his fingers down my spine as we just wrap ourselves around each other until all the pain goes away. Instead I’m going to torture myself with the one thing that has never failed to make me smile. Looking at all the texts of all the plans we made together. I guess I will forever be wondering if we really could have been as amazing as we both of us agreed we would be. It looks like we will never get the chance to actually know.