When I was 17 I made a choice. I made the simple yet
life-changing choice about what college I wanted to attend. My only goal in
mind when I was 17 was to get as far away from Havre, Montana as I could.
Although at the same time I knew I didn’t want to go too far away. After all, I
am a huge mama’s girl and I’ll always be small-town so I wasn’t ready to go too
far away yet. I knew I wanted to study the craft of acting because it is the
only thing I ever seriously considered doing with my life. So I choose to go to
The University of North Dakota in Grand Forks. It is an 11 hour drive from my
home town and in all reality it was a world away from my old life. But without
even visiting I decided that was where I wanted to get my college education
from.
In high school I had a reputation for being scary. I had
a few solid friends but nothing ever really concrete, other then the three
girls I always hung out with all I really had were people I talked to in each
class and then some people who I had gotten to know through plays and my hockey
teammates but I don’t know if I would ever consider most of them friends. Every
single one of those people knew that if and when needed, I could totally kick
there ass. It was my fault people thought of me this way, so I never really
complained, when I was younger that was how I wanted it. The more people fear
you the less they actually try to get to know you, the last thing I wanted was
for someone to actually get to know me so it suited everyone. So I walked
around high school being an overly-opinionated bitch that no one wanted to mess
with, and it worked.
However, once I graduated I knew I wouldn’t make it in
college if I went into it with that attitude again, so I tried to start to
change. It didn’t really work until I actually got to UND and started living
with strangers and I had no idea what I was doing. I just tried to do the
basics and live day to day. I made myself game for just about everything, I
even went to frat parties. I mean I was the awkward one sitting in on the wall
on my phone, but I forced myself to do in hopes that I could find something
new. And I did. Over the course of my freshman year in college I became more
open; not only about my past but about the issues I was having trouble with in
the present. I found that there were people who I could trust and naturally
there were always going to be the bitches that start drama, who I avoided with
a sick passion. I also learned that I have am the queen of the friend zone when
it came to guys because I’m too awkward to have sex appeal. But all of that was
ok. I am a human being and I am hugely flawed but it’s a work in progress to
hopefully one day accept those flaws.
I even had my first experience with heartbreak that
February. A guy from high school(who I had always been pretty good friends
with) told me that he has liked me since freshman year in high school and I had
always liked him, unfortunately he decided that it was best if we are just
friends, and that roller-coaster relationship is still driving me nuts a year
later(as I think I’ve mentioned I few times). But despite that hurt, I didn’t
push him away as I had always done and I didn’t close myself off, I actually
cried about it and found comfort in my friends who were there for me, which was
an entirely new experience for me all together. But it was nice; it was so
amazing to not have to be the strong and to finally have some people who I
could share bits and pieces of myself that I had kept hidden for so long.
Cue the curtains for my second year in college and I am
still learning how to be a sharer, and I am getting ten times better at it if I
do say so myself. But I was so ready to take on the year and show the UND
Theatre department that what they had to miss out on last year without casting
me. It took sometime but I gained even more friends through my time in the
actual Theatre classes and I have gained some really awesome friends who I hope
to have in my life for a long time. I have even made plans to actually get off
campus and live in a house/apartment together next year.
However, I am at a dilemma again because with my second
year was supposed to have my audition for the acting program at UND.
Unfortunately for me they have decided to suspend the acting program and so the
degree I want goes out the window. So I
am at a loss. The choice I make this time could be another life-changing event
and odds are it will be. But with so many options I don’t even know what I want
anymore. I won’t ever regret my time at UND, I have changed so much and for the
better since I came here but I can’t decide if now it is time to open a new
chapter in my life or keep writing the one that is in progress. It was so much easier when I was 17, I knew
exactly what I wanted and I didn’t care enough about anyone to take in to
account their opinions on what I should do, but now there are people I care
about and I know I need to do what’s best for me, but I can’t shake the feeling
that I might never see some really awesome people ever again. Now that I’m 19
my priorities have changed and I’m not even sure what they are anymore. Seeing
as I have never been in this position before, I don’t what to do. I know I’ll
figure it out eventually but right now it just seems to be a source of stress
and confusion in my life. But I guess at the end of the day I am just going to
have to make a choice and see where it takes. Hopefully no matter what I do I
can have another great/life-changing experience that I had when I was 17.
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