Be The Adult You Needed

For those of you who don’t know I am a substitute teacher for my local school district. As corny as it sounds, I think teaching is one of the most important jobs in the world. As a teacher you have this opportunity to influence people’s lives in a huge way. That being said, I will never be a teacher, I don’t have it in me to be a teacher. It is so much work for very little pay out. As an adult in these children’s life, my ultimate goal is to be the kind of an adult who I needed when I was a child. Especially as a kid in middle school, I think you just need someone to care about you who doesn’t have to. So many kids don’t have a person out there who shows they care. I understand how hard it is, sometimes pre-teens are angst-ridden little assholes but they still need someone other than their parents to care about them.

So many people think it’s weird for kids and adults to interact outside of when they have to. I don’t think it is, with how connected the entire world is it’s ridiculous to think that you can’t be in child’s life any other way then as their teacher. In my school district they start talking to kids about college at least freshman year in high school, possibly even earlier and your expected to share your hopes and dreams and feelings with these people who only want to be ‘professional’ with you. When I was younger telling them I wanted to be an actress was the last thing I wanted to do because I felt judged for it.  How can it be fair that you want the kids to be so open with you but you won’t do the same?

As a kid, all I ever felt was judged by the adults in my school because I was different.  I never felt comfortable sharing anything with these people because I never felt that any of them cared. My three years in middle school I felt that I had one teacher who actually listened to me and it only happened once. I spent those three years practically begging for help but still I was left alone, the few times when some did reach out to me, it was to reprimand me, not to show that they were there for me. How messed up is that? They were more concerned in my almost violating the dress code then with me writing suicidal poems in my free time.

If I can positively influence even one person who is younger than me then I will feel my life was well worth it. I realize I am not always the best influence, I make mistakes and I’m kind of an asshole, but that doesn’t mean I don’t care, I’m bad at showing it but I really do care, especially about the kids who I sub for. I don’t want any of these kids to ever feel like no one cares about them, because I care. If that means I have to have weird snapchat conversations or deal with them making fun of me over Instagram or Facebook then I will. It doesn’t bother, I love that these kids like me because they really are these awesome kids who have so much potential, as annoying as they can be sometimes. I understand that especially for regular teachers, they don’t really think it’s appropriate or it’s weird or whatever, but really how hard is it to take interest in what they are doing outside of school sports, but what they are drawing or writing about or anything that doesn’t involve what they want to do when they grow up.

It is my belief that if teachers just opened up more to kids, quit judging their generation for being so technology based or especially for being kids, there would be so much less teen depression and suicidal thoughts. As teachers, you have the power to influence an entire generation of people to be better people and to show them that someone gives a fuck about them and what happens to them. It’s hard, but they just need a little validation that someone is there and not just because it’s their job, but because they really truly care. In short, you really shouldn’t be a teacher unless you really truly care about what you’re doing and about the kids you’re teaching or you’re not only shorting yourself, your shorting those amazing kids your teaching. 

I’m only 20, most of the time it’s weird to consider myself an adult, but think of what you needed when you were a kid and be that adult for someone else. Even if you were lucky enough to have the adult you needed be that person for someone who might really need it.

I Need Feminism Because...

So this is my little feminist rant, sorry like most of my posts it’s kind of all over the place, but I hope I got my point across.

I have a friend on Facebook who recently posted this video https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?v=10202284797704724 and her captain read "do any of you dread the modesty vs perception/expectation/"un-cool" talk like me?" I want to state that I'm not trying to call out this woman, she a mother of 3 little girls and I hold no dislike or any hard feelings towards her. However, I hate this video, because it is just assumed that women dress to impress men. If you click on the actual Facebook video the captain reads "This is so true. I'm amazed and appalled by some of the dresses I've seen and sometimes by young ladies who should know better. Today's young men would like to see more modest dresses at Homecoming and Prom!" FUCK THAT! Sorry to break it to you but girls don't dress for young men, they dress for other girls. Even when I went on a date I didn’t dress to impress the guy, I wanted to make everybody who looked at me jealous that I looked good and I got the guy. I don't think I've ever had a male friend come up to me and start bashing my clothing saying I’m too slutty or something and if they did, fuck them! And I'm sorry, but who the fuck is anyone to judge what somebody else wears to begin with. I get it, its human nature to compare and judge other people, welcome to the world, but seriously just because I wear shirts that show a lot of cleavage doesn't make me a bad person, I just have a lot of boobs or that I enjoy wearing a short skirt sometimes because I feel good in it, not to impress anybody. I want to feel good about myself and if that means I'm going to dress up like a slut, they who are you to tell me I'm not good enough for something. Why shouldn't young girls show off their bodies and be proud of themselves? Society let’s little girls grow up thinking there is something wrong with their bodies by telling them to cover it all up because if you show your body off that automatically makes you a slut. Dress codes even do it by saying girls can’t show off their shoulders in school because heaven forbid a guy can’t conceal his sexual urges when he sees a woman’s bare shoulders.  That’s on boys if they can’t take care of their boners, and girls shouldn’t be blamed for that. On a real level clothing is a healthy outlet for kids, teenagers and people in general to express themselves. If they want to dress modest, great, that’s their body. If someone wants to dress like a slut, fine, their choice, not yours. And we shouldn’t be teaching little girls to be afraid of their bodies, we should teach them to accept and treasure their bodies and to celebrate them however they choose.  Seriously, don’t make girls feel wrong about their bodies and that they have to cover themselves because somebody might think that their sluts. By worrying about other people’s perceptions of your own body, you’re making yourself and your children a victim of unhappiness because if you can’t accept your body for all the amazingness and beauty that it is, then what’s the point of having it. Not to mention the fact that teaching them that you have to cover your body because you will just be seen as a sexual object if you show it off, what kind of message is that really sending to young women? There is absolutely nothing wrong with being modest, but there is also nothing wrong with showing of what your mama gave you. And really if we are going to teach anybody anything about modesty and perception we should be teaching boys to control their sexual urges and to perceive women as equals and not sexual objects to begin with.

The Only Way I Know How

The last blog I wrote entitled, “The Worst Feeling” had some unforeseen repercussions, so this may not be the best way to do all of this, but its the only way I know how. The man, I was writing about in that blog has now officially unfriended and blocked me on Facebook and told me that he can’t forgive what I said about him. Good news though, I didn’t think I was going to survive if he decided to walk out of my life, but so far, I’m ok, not thriving or anything, but I’m alive. But because of this happening, I want to clarify a few things. I doubt he will ever read this, although, I doubted he would read the last one and obviously he did. Anyway some of the things he said really got to me because I think he pretty much misunderstood the entire blog and the entire reason I wrote it, so now that I’m no longer a crying mess, I want to try and explain/clarify everything since he won’t even text me anymore, this is the best I’ve got. I want to clarify, I'm not apologizing for what I said, but I am apologizing for hurting someone I really care about. 

First off, I said the girl he likes “isn’t even pretty.” First off, he could be madly in love with my best friend in the entire world or like the prettiest girl in the world and I still wouldn’t think she is pretty because I like to be a petty girl sometimes and I’m jealous. Yep, I’ll admit it, I’m jealous because she has the love of a man that I love, why wouldn’t I be jealous. So I don’t know her personally just a hunch on who she is. It was never anything personal, but I’m never going to like this girl because she has the one man that I have ever been in love with. Of course I’m not going to like her.  However, he told me that I “crossed a line” by talking about her. I get he is mad about what I said, but I probably could have come up with a lot worse to say had I wanted to be an ever bigger bitch. I understand him being mad at me, but I don’t really think I crossed a line by what I said.

Next, he thought I was trying to make him the bad guy. That was never my intention; it is just a shitty situation. We fell in love at the wrong time and his feelings changed sooner then mine did. It happens, that doesn’t make him a bad guy that is just life. His feelings for me changed and mine haven’t yet. My feelings weren’t ready to change. Even after him breaking the one promise I held him to, I still don’t think my feelings are ready to completely change, although they have changed a bit. It’s no one’s fault though, it is just how the situation worked out. I did my best to put my feelings aside because I knew his feelings had changed, but I’m not a robot, I can’t just turn something like that on and off so a lot of the time, I struggled with letting go of how I feel about him. Despite that I still wanted to be his friend and I know he knew that my feelings hadn’t changed, but I never wanted him to feel bad for it, so instead of telling him, I wrote about it and posted some of this blog (like the last 2) and then I kept a lot hidden away just for me. He told me, that he always tried to make this all easier on me, which I knew he did. However, there was nothing he could have done to make it easier on me. I mean at the end of the day I probably shouldn’t have been so okay with us talking about sex as much as we did but that was kind of my way of hanging on. I wasn’t ready to let go of my feelings regardless of how I knew he felt about me. That still doesn’t make him the bad guy, I did absolutely everything I could to make sure he wasn’t the bad guy. I said that I wanted to hate him, the reason behind that was that if I could hate him, and then I would actually have been able to be completely get over my love for him. But I couldn’t hate him because I couldn’t find a way to make him the bad guy in the situation, I couldn’t so I couldn’t hate him. I wanted to cause I thought it would make easier, but even now, I still don’t hate him. And I don't think I will ever be able to hate him, or stay mad at him. I am however extremely hurt and upset with him, but that doesn't make him a bad guy.

I know that’s not all he said to me, but I’m trying not to remember all of it frankly because it hurts a lot. So I deleted the text messages, least most of them, the ones that are left are a lot harder to delete then the ones that are already gone. As much as I don’t want to, I know that I have to do it this time, I have to move on. It’s been really hard but I’m working on it. I have been talking to my friends and family a lot, it’s been helping but it doesn’t make it any easier. I guess, if the friendship had to end, and maybe it does I don’t know, I wish that we could talk about it, face-to-face, like the adults we are and at least end on good terms and maybe be friends on Facebook at the least. That is what I hate the most that he decided to end 6 years of friendship so easily. That’s what hurts the most too, I just wish I could explain this all to him, but he won’t have anything to do with me now. Even now, my feelings haven’t entirely changed letting him go is hard, I think a part of me is always going to love him, because he was my first love. But I guess if he doesn’t even want to be my friend anymore, that’s what has to happen. As much as it hurts me, I have to let him go. I just wish he would talk to me and let me fully explain everything because even if he is reading this I don't think it does what I want to say any sort of justice. I guess it’s all about the babysteps of moving on now.

Note: To this guy, if he ever decides to read this and you decide to never speak to me again here is what I've got. I hope you know that I am forever changed by who you are and what you mean to me. I am really happy that you were in my life even if it was for a short time and I am hoping that you will choose to speak to me again, if nothing else so I can explain and we can have closure for each other. Above all, I hope you're happy. I hope you get everything you've ever wanted and I really hope you know how amazing you are to me and even if you never agree, you truly are amazing. I never meant to hurt you, that was never my intention at all, I would never dream of doing that and I'm sorry that I did. I know this little thing was repetitive, but it's all of got left I hope you'll talk to me and I'll be frank, I already miss your friendship.

The Worst Feeling

DISCLAIMER: I am currently a crying mess alone in my room so this is just a bunch of jumbled thoughts about the first boy I ever fell in love with. Boy was I stupid.

I’ve always been the strong girl, always. It’s the only thing I knew how to be, and it was pretty easy just to shove away all the emotions and tell the world to fuck off. But now, now I don’t know what to do. Because I was always the strong girl no one ever bothered to love me, or care about me or anything like that. And it was ok, because I didn’t want all the feelings and bullshit. But somebody did, he cared and he told me he loved me and I fell for head over heels in love with him. I guess I shouldn’t have listened to myself. I should have known better, I should have known he wouldn’t stay in my life as my love. Because he doesn’t want that anymore. I don’t know, we talked tonight and it just felt so final like I was never going to hear from him again or something and I don’t know what to do. I hate him for breaking my heart, but I’d be lying if I said him walking out of my life was something I could handle, cause I couldn’t. Because I have been so strong for so long I feel so pathetic for all these feelings. For sitting alone in my room, crying my eyes for the 4^th night in a row because it just hurts. I guess I knew deep down that after June we weren’t going to happen, but there was always a glimmer of hope. Now I think that is gone and I can’t, I can’t, I just can’t really let myself believe that that hope is gone. If this is what love is, the fuck it, I don’t want it. I don’t ever want to feel like this ever again because it is the worst feeling in the world. If I have to go through this multiple times before I find ‘the right guy’ then I should start preparing to be alone because I don’t want this ever again. I just don’t understand. The girl he wants isn’t even pretty and it almost would be easier if she was because then at least I could understand why he choose her even though he knows a relationship won’t happen. But she isn’t so I can’t fathom in my brain what I did wrong to make him not want me anymore. When you give someone everything you’ve got and it isn’t enough it leaves you feeling worthless. This entire year has been my best not being good enough and I just don’t understand. I read this a while ago, I guess I get it now about how heartbreak doesn’t care you are, and it doesn’t make sense. It just takes one person to change their mind for your world to come crashing down and that’s what happened. He changed his mind and doesn’t want me anymore and I don’t know what to do about it. I want to hate him for this, but I can’t because even know as I lay in bed bawling my eyes out I still want to text him and tell him to come hold me and let him run his fingers down my spine as we just wrap ourselves around each other until all the pain goes away. Instead I’m going to torture myself with the one thing that has never failed to make me smile. Looking at all the texts of all the plans we made together. I guess I will forever be wondering if we really could have been as amazing as we both of us agreed we would be. It looks like we will never get the chance to actually know. 

This Crazy Feeling

     Being in love with someone you can’t have, it’s hard. There is a guy in my life and I have never felt this way about another person before. Unfortunately, I’m pretty positive he doesn’t want to actually date me, he is cool with being friends, possibly “friends with benefits” which I game for which I know is stupid as hell considering how strong my feelings for him are but I can’t help it. I would do almost anything for this boy, especially if it means being closer to him. He knows how I feel about him and he has even said that we shouldn’t do anything but I can’t help how much I want him. Not to mention, I really don’t have a lot of will power to say no to him, especially if I think it would make him happy in any form of the word, or to put a smile on his face. I absolutely love his smile.

     The hardest part for me is that I see him a bunch because he is my best friend and every time I see him or talk to him I find something new that I fall for and think is just absolutely awesome and it just makes me smile on the inside. I always told him it was friendship, although I have no problem putting aside my feelings to just hang out with him, like that’s not a big deal in the slightest. I don’t know, it’s weird but because I feel bad talking about it to him because I know he doesn’t normally want to talk about it but I just want to let it all out so I figured what a better way to do so then on a blog. Everything is complicated about my brain so to whoever is reading this, don’t try to understand you won’t be able to, I just want to get out everything I like about him.

      I love watching him play softball, he is so cute when he gets competitive and the way he takes it so seriously is actually kind of sexy. I also kind of hate it because he gets so down on himself and I just want to give him a hug and a kiss and tell him that he is playing amazingly but I can’t do that and it kind of sucks. I love when he laughs and he always shrugs his shoulders and sticks his tongue out a little bit and then laugh pretty quietly. He is always playing with his nose, which I know he is self-conscious about but I think it is perfect just like the rest of him. When he is cheering on his team and something good happens he always says “Whoa!” and then claps his hands twice and it is super cute. I love when he gets really concentrated on something, the look on his face, I just can’t even help but smile. He refuses to look up when he is concentrated and leaves his mouth like half open and is completely focused on whatever he is doing. His lips, oh my god, his lips. When I first kissed him, I couldn’t believe how much I loved his lips, I was actually surprised at how full his lips are but I definitely was not and have never complained because when they are on my lips all I want to do is kiss him more and more. When he wraps his arms around me, I feel safe; like everything bad in the world has just disappeared and that nothing could ever hurt me again. It’s almost like an invincible feeling and I could just stay there forever. He is so comfortable to cuddle with too, and now because of him, I just want to cuddle all the time. I would love to just sit and watch movies in his arms all day, I wouldn’t even care what movies as long as I was wrapped in his arms, and I would be golden. I love it when we snapchat. He is really terrible at taking pictures because he doesn’t know how to use light, but I don’t even mind. Because I know how much he hates taking pictures, especially of himself, so the fact that he does it for me, I love it! I love getting to put my fingers through his hair, he hates having it long but I think he looks so sexy with long hair. But then again, he looks so sexy no matter how his hair is cut. I know he likes it short but he looks just as good when he cuts it, although he won’t ever agree on how sexy he is.  I also love that he makes me laugh and I can’t help but smile around him. Whenever I see him, but heart jumps into my throat and the adrenaline starts pumping through my body, especially if I see him unexpectedly. Normally if I know I am going to see him, I do pretty ok, but when we just run into each other, I can’t help but be fidgetey. He has no problem throwing jokes in my face and being an asshole to me and he doesn’t have a problem when I’m a bit of a bitch to him back and we tease each other like no other. We have a lot of stupid arguments that go nowhere and mean nothing, but they kind of mean everything to me. I guess just the fact that we have the same old conversations all the time and we still have them and don’t get bored of each other or anything like that, it means a lot to me. I like to listen to him talk about anything really. It’s really cute when goes off on sports because his eyes just light up and you can tell that he is truly passionate about it. It’s especially funny when I try to argue basketball with him and just gets so passionate about it. He compliments me and was the first guy to ever really make me want to act and be girly. He has always been completely honest with me and that means more than absolutely anything in the world to me and he actually shows that he cares; he even did so from 11 hours away which I know that entire situation wasn’t easy. He makes me feel special and I know how hard it is for him to show a soft side in general so when he does it for me, I think it’s amazing and I would never take it for granted, which I hope he knows.  He makes me feel absolutely comfortable around him like I could tell him absolutely anything and I have told him pretty much everything, even things that I have never told anyone else before in my entire life and knowing I can trust him like that, it’s kind of the best feeling ever.  He supports me in whatever I do and I wouldn’t have made it through the last couple of months without him. And there is sooo much more that makes me so attracted to him and to find him so amazing!
     So yea, I’m in love. I never want to experience my life without him and it’s a weird and complicated situation, maybe not as complicated as I think, maybe it’s just me making my own life difficult. But I know how I feel about him and how I would do pretty much anything to make him happy. I don’t expect him to feel the same, at this point, I‘m not entirely sure how he feels about me, but that’s ok. We are both young and where ever this happens to takes us, I know it’s going to work out how it’s supposed to and that’s what is important.  And if nothing else I am so happy that he is even in my life and wants to remain there even if it is just as my friend. I would rather have in my life as my best friend then not in my life at all. I don’t know, like I said, it’s a weird complicated thing but its whatever at this point, I just needed to gush about this boy a little bit.

Go Easy On Yourself

     I feel a little sheltered because, I have always know that eating disorders are major problem for both men and women, I have also always known  that a lot of young people feel pressured by society to look and act a certain way. I don’t know if it just wasn’t as big of an issue in my town, or if I just didn’t give enough fucks to notice but I’m finding myself exposed to these blogs and everything I am just angry about it. There are a few different things I want to go over on this so bear with me if it doesn’t make a lot of sense, it’s a rant so maybe it will, and maybe it won’t but either way, it’s probably going to be a little long…sorry.

      I don’t care who you are, where you come from, anything about you, you do not have to look or act a certain way unless you want too. I hate it when someone tells me to just ‘be myself’ because frankly sometimes I don’t want to be myself, there are some days when I would give everything to not be me, so fuck yea, if that’s how I’m feeling, I may not act like my natural self for a day. That’s fine, I don’t see anything wrong with that, sometimes you just need to get away from yourself and that’s fine. Or you may not know who you are yet and that’s fine too. Granted I will say my little warning label on this, don’t forget that just because you aren’t acting like yourself, that doesn’t mean your actions won’t affect what you’re doing. Example: you want to act slutty for a day or something, fine go ahead but if you go all out and have sex with some random guy at a party, that’s still going to be a thing the next day once you’re not being slutty anymore. Also if you don’t want to be slutty don’t judge other people who are. Yea, I agree I don’t want to see that but at the end of the day, I will admire that people confidence because my idea of flirting with a guy is hitting him in the arm and calling him bro. So if someone is acting all slutty, unless they are all up on your significant other, don’t hate. However if they are all up on your significant other, feel free to punch a bitch. But also reevaluate your significant other situation if they are falling for someone’s slutty act.

     You do not have to look a certain way. With the exceptions of identical twins (sometimes), no two people will ever have the same body, ever! And I know it’s hard, trust me, I struggle with it on a daily basis, but you just have to accept your body for all of its beauty, because I promise it is beautiful.  I’ll be honest, I am a girl who last weighed in at 195lbs after spending my entire high school career over 200lbs. Along with those 195lb I have stretch marks on not only my stomach but my thighs and boobs and a “leg gap” has been out of the question for me since I started playing hockey, cause I got me some hockey legs. And I think I am gorgeous! Some days I don’t, some days I look at myself and I see all these flaws and everything about me that could be seen as “gross” or “not normal” and on those days I just like to curl up and watch movies, but I always make sure to put on my favorite pair of yoga pants and my favorite tank and remind myself that I have a great ass or something like that. And that’s what you should do to, do whatever you have to do to make yourself feel awesome, whether it be admiring your ass in yoga pants or putting on your favorite push-up bra that makes you feel a little perkier (mentally). Its ok not to always feel awesome about yourself but know, It’s not about how much you weigh or what society thinks is beautiful, it’s about what you think is beautiful and what makes you feel good. I know you hear/read this all the time but seriously, it’s true; all the stupid cliché sayings normally are so you might as well accept it now.

As a general note, I know I said that if you want to do something, do it, however I feel like I need to make a disclaimer saying that if you feel like not eating for any length of time longer them a couple of hours, don’t do that. Fuel your body and it will do great things for you

      Also and this is kind of important for everyone to maybe be aware of because only parents will tell you this but it’s true. It is totally ok to be a virgin. Society doesn’t like to talk about it but if you haven’t had sex yet and you’re in high school or even college, it’s not that big of a deal. You maybe from a small town where it seems like everyone has done it, but I promise there are people who haven’t and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. For girls and boys remember, it’s your body and you get to decide what to do with it and you are also the one who has to live with the choices you make, not your friends, not your family, you. That includes who you have sex with, when you have sex with them, what you eat, how you act, how you look, everything. So whatever you do choose to do with your body, make sure that at the end of the day you can live with your choices.

     I know that my writing doesn’t always make sense so I apologize but here you go. I am a firm believer that everyone goes through the same problems regardless of gender, race etc. So I hope this helps in some way to know you’re not alone. Growing up is hard, it sucks and it doesn’t get easier in the slightest and I don’t think it ever will, you just get better with time. But since growing up is so hard, go easy on everyone, you are all going through the same thing so just go easy on other people, but most of all remember to go easy on yourself too.

Things change...Life doesn't stop for anybody

When I was 17 I made a choice. I made the simple yet life-changing choice about what college I wanted to attend. My only goal in mind when I was 17 was to get as far away from Havre, Montana as I could. Although at the same time I knew I didn’t want to go too far away. After all, I am a huge mama’s girl and I’ll always be small-town so I wasn’t ready to go too far away yet. I knew I wanted to study the craft of acting because it is the only thing I ever seriously considered doing with my life. So I choose to go to The University of North Dakota in Grand Forks. It is an 11 hour drive from my home town and in all reality it was a world away from my old life. But without even visiting I decided that was where I wanted to get my college education from.

In high school I had a reputation for being scary. I had a few solid friends but nothing ever really concrete, other then the three girls I always hung out with all I really had were people I talked to in each class and then some people who I had gotten to know through plays and my hockey teammates but I don’t know if I would ever consider most of them friends. Every single one of those people knew that if and when needed, I could totally kick there ass. It was my fault people thought of me this way, so I never really complained, when I was younger that was how I wanted it. The more people fear you the less they actually try to get to know you, the last thing I wanted was for someone to actually get to know me so it suited everyone. So I walked around high school being an overly-opinionated bitch that no one wanted to mess with, and it worked.

However, once I graduated I knew I wouldn’t make it in college if I went into it with that attitude again, so I tried to start to change. It didn’t really work until I actually got to UND and started living with strangers and I had no idea what I was doing. I just tried to do the basics and live day to day. I made myself game for just about everything, I even went to frat parties. I mean I was the awkward one sitting in on the wall on my phone, but I forced myself to do in hopes that I could find something new. And I did. Over the course of my freshman year in college I became more open; not only about my past but about the issues I was having trouble with in the present. I found that there were people who I could trust and naturally there were always going to be the bitches that start drama, who I avoided with a sick passion. I also learned that I have am the queen of the friend zone when it came to guys because I’m too awkward to have sex appeal. But all of that was ok. I am a human being and I am hugely flawed but it’s a work in progress to hopefully one day accept those flaws.

I even had my first experience with heartbreak that February. A guy from high school(who I had always been pretty good friends with) told me that he has liked me since freshman year in high school and I had always liked him, unfortunately he decided that it was best if we are just friends, and that roller-coaster relationship is still driving me nuts a year later(as I think I’ve mentioned I few times). But despite that hurt, I didn’t push him away as I had always done and I didn’t close myself off, I actually cried about it and found comfort in my friends who were there for me, which was an entirely new experience for me all together. But it was nice; it was so amazing to not have to be the strong and to finally have some people who I could share bits and pieces of myself that I had kept hidden for so long.

Cue the curtains for my second year in college and I am still learning how to be a sharer, and I am getting ten times better at it if I do say so myself. But I was so ready to take on the year and show the UND Theatre department that what they had to miss out on last year without casting me. It took sometime but I gained even more friends through my time in the actual Theatre classes and I have gained some really awesome friends who I hope to have in my life for a long time. I have even made plans to actually get off campus and live in a house/apartment together next year.

However, I am at a dilemma again because with my second year was supposed to have my audition for the acting program at UND. Unfortunately for me they have decided to suspend the acting program and so the degree I want goes out the window.  So I am at a loss. The choice I make this time could be another life-changing event and odds are it will be. But with so many options I don’t even know what I want anymore. I won’t ever regret my time at UND, I have changed so much and for the better since I came here but I can’t decide if now it is time to open a new chapter in my life or keep writing the one that is in progress.  It was so much easier when I was 17, I knew exactly what I wanted and I didn’t care enough about anyone to take in to account their opinions on what I should do, but now there are people I care about and I know I need to do what’s best for me, but I can’t shake the feeling that I might never see some really awesome people ever again. Now that I’m 19 my priorities have changed and I’m not even sure what they are anymore. Seeing as I have never been in this position before, I don’t what to do. I know I’ll figure it out eventually but right now it just seems to be a source of stress and confusion in my life. But I guess at the end of the day I am just going to have to make a choice and see where it takes. Hopefully no matter what I do I can have another great/life-changing experience that I had when I was 17.